


A Wound Gets Worse When It's Treated with Neglect

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: Everything After [11]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-06
Updated: 2012-04-06
Packaged: 2017-11-03 04:12:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Is this what they call making amends?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Wound Gets Worse When It's Treated with Neglect

**Author's Note:**

> I thought about Tim Matheson when I wrote Eli but I like Tim and not Eli, so I doubt that’s going to work. It doesn’t matter anyway but it was interesting. The title comes from the Stevie Nicks’ song, Talk to Me. I was stuck on a title forever and then I listened to this song, and shabaam!

She parked in a lot two and a half blocks away so she could smoke a cigarette. It might not have been the best idea but Erin planned to do it anyway. The smoke felt good as it filtered through her lungs and bloodstream. Unfortunately it wasn’t doing much for her nerves; nothing would help probably. No one knew what Erin was doing today. 

She hadn't told her therapist, best friend, or boyfriend. They probably would've tried to talk her out of it. It was time, her gut told her so, and when it was time it was time. All of the words weren’t there but Erin hoped Agent Strauss would kick in to save her from making an ass of herself. 

At the end of the block, Erin plucked the cigarette into the street and put some pep in her step. It was 12:30 in DC, just a few blocks from the White House; there were people everywhere. She got to the restaurant, The Oval Room, and pulled the door open. The host smiled and greeted her.

“12:30 reservation for Eli Strauss.” She said.

“He's waiting for you, ma'am. Come right this way.”

Erin smiled though her stomach churned. She was sure that everyone heard it but no one even looked in her direction. There were some important people lunching but they weren't her important people. Eli stood when Erin approached the table.

“Good afternoon, Erin.”

“Hi. I truly appreciate you meeting me here this afternoon.”

“I admit that I thought of saying no.” Eli replied as they both sat down. “But maybe its time.”

Erin didn’t know what to say to that so she didn’t. She picked up the menu and looked over it. Funnily, nothing on it appealed to her. Right now her appetite was nil. Erin took another deep breath, fighting back her watering mouth. She was strong and could get through this.

“Good afternoon, my name is Daniel and I’ll be your server. Can I start you with a drink?”

“I’ll have a scotch please.” Eli said without taking a breath.

“Unsweetened iced tea.” Erin replied.

He nodded and walked away. As the awkward silence crept in, Erin looked at her ex-husband. Despite all they'd been through, the years had been good to Eli. He was the kind of man who looked better with age. Nearly 55, he was still handsome. 

His hair was more salt than pepper these days. It brought out the green in his hazel eyes. He was trim, in shape, and he seemed even more groomed than usual. That was saying something since Erin was sure that Eli had more toiletries than she did.

“You look good.” She said. “You’ve been taking care of yourself?”

“I am, and Christa takes good care of me as well. You’ve lost weight…it works for you.”

“Was I so big before?” Erin asked. She didn’t mean to but the off-hand compliment didn’t sit well with her. He could’ve just said ‘you too’. This exchange was her relationship with Eli in a nutshell.

“You were fine before and you're fine now, Erin. You look good.”

“Thank you. I wasn’t fishing for a compliment.”

“You’ve never had to.” Eli replied.

Daniel returned with their drinks. Erin asked for a few minutes to look over the menu. She needed to find the words. The truth was that lunch was the last thing on her mind. Her stomach probably couldn’t even handle an entire meal. She just wanted to say the words and get the hell out of there.

“Eli, I'm sorry.”

“What?”

She looked at him again. He’d heard her and Erin knew it. Still, if she needed to repeat it then she would. But she was only doing it once.

“I said I'm sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” he asked.

“I'm sorry that I wasn’t brave enough or maybe strong enough to walk away when we both knew it was time. I'm sorry that I couldn’t be honest with you about how I felt. I'm sorry for the deafening silence that our relationship eventually became. I'm sorry that I drank too much and it made me a bad wife and a neglectful mother. I'm sorry that I hurt you because when I married you it made me happy for a while.”

“Is this what they call making amends?”

“I guess it is.” Erin shrugged as she sipped her tea. “I'm not doing this because it’s a step, Eli. I'm doing it because I'm sober and I plan to stay that way. No matter what we've been through, there are three people in this world who are here because of the time we were together.”

“True.” he nodded.

“I want to be a better mother to our children. I know that I've made a lot of mistakes that I can't go back and fix. They know that too. This isn’t about playing catch up, which is impossible anyway. I'm here now and I want to move forward. 

“When I've been sober for a year I want to amend the custody agreement. It’s important to me, and I know it is to you, for the children to remain in the house they grew up in. But I’d like to be able to see them every weekend and continue with our Wednesday evenings. It’s not perfect but neither is life. I’d also like to spend some holidays with them.”

“And I'm just supposed to agree to that?” Eli asked.

Daniel was back before Erin could answer. She ordered the grilled calamari and artichoke salad. Eli wanted the swordfish and mango chutney. Just hearing it made Erin think she might vomit. Closing her eyes, she willed her stomach to calm down. _God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen_. She clutched St. Monica before opening her eyes again.

“I hope we can come to some kind of agreement without contention.” She replied. “All of us, especially the children, have been through enough. They're getting older and can make this decision for themselves. I would surely respect the current custody agreement as is if that was their wish.”

“You’ve found religion?” Eli asked as if Erin hadn't spoken about anything else.

“I don’t know what you mean.” She shook her head.

“I hear that’s one of the steps as well. And you're wearing a religious medallion around your neck. You clasped it a few minutes ago.”

“Did I? I guess I do that without really knowing. I haven’t found religion, as you say, and the medallion was a gift from a friend. Its St. Monica, she's the patron saint of women, mothers, and recovering alcoholics.”

“It sounds as if she might be the trifecta, as we say in my business.”

“Something like that.” Erin’s hand was on the medallion again.

“Was it a gift from David Rossi?” he asked. “The children say he's your boyfriend.”

Erin didn’t see that coming. Then she chastised herself for being blind. Of course questions about David were coming. Eli had always been the jealous type. He didn’t like when things came before him, even if it would be ridiculous for him to be first to his ex-wife. 

Erin hadn't asked the children to keep her and David a secret…there was nothing to hide. She was done with secrets anyway. Erin had nothing to be ashamed of. OK, there was plenty to be ashamed of but she’d have to own all of that as well. No way in hell would she let Eli make her feel guilty about her friendships. He was engaged to a woman twenty years younger than he was.

“David Rossi and are just friends. If the kids gave you some indication otherwise, they were mistaken.”

“I'm supposed to believe that Erin? You two have been friends, enemies, rivals, friends again, and maybe even lovers. It’s always been something about David Rossi. I've been competing with a man I barely know for the past 20 years.”

“I never intended for you to do that.” she said.

“I want to know if you're lovers.” Eli said. “I want to know for all the times when we were married and you said you weren't.”

“We aren’t lovers.” Erin replied. Hell, at least this time she was mostly telling the truth. She’d slipped a few times when she was married, if anything Erin was a flawed woman. But she never had a long term affair and she never wanted to hurt Eli that way. None of her good intentions, for what they'd been worth, seemed to matter. This was shattered beyond repair. 

“The #1 thing in my life right now is sobriety. It has to come before my job, my social life, and anything else other than my children. Actually, it’s wrapped up pretty tightly with my children. I'm following the one year abstinence rule. I have enough to juggle…sex is too complicated right now.” she didn’t add ‘not that it’s any of your business’, even though she wanted to. Fighting was not on her list of things to do today, at least not with her ex-husband.

“Sex doesn’t have to be involved for you two to be lovers. The children seem to think he's important to you.”

“He is.” Erin sighed and sipped her tea. “We’re losing focus, Eli, we need to get back on track.”

“This is your party.” His tone was dismissive. “Do you need to make more amends?”

“You don’t have to make fun of it. This is an important step in my recovery.”

“And you truly believed one half-hearted conversation was going to magically make everything better?”

“What do you know of my heart?” Erin asked before she could stop herself. 

She closed her eyes again. OK, maybe she deserved this. The end of their marriage had been horrible. It was also a blur because the drinking had gotten far out of Erin’s control. They'd had a few barn burners and scared their kids. She remembered that. 

She may not have been woman enough to stop so many things before they happened but he didn’t man up either. She planned to take full responsibility for her part in all of it. Eli was going to continue to blame her. Some things never changed. No matter, Erin was going to say what she needed to say. She was here already so…

“I thought one conversation would open the door to another and maybe another after that. I don’t know,” she shrugged because it was easier than wringing his neck. Hating her was easy but breaking open the sarcophagus and looking inside was hard. Eli wasn’t the only person who would take the easy way out…Erin didn’t have that luxury anymore. 

She had to try not to hate him for it. She’d put him in there to begin with. “We've both moved on with our lives and it would be nice to stop being so angry. I can't change your thoughts and feelings. I can only take full responsibility for what I've done, try to sincerely apologize for the situation it put all of us in, and move forward.”

“I want to hate your guts.” Eli replied. “Some days I even succeed at it. You were a bad wife and sometimes a horrible woman. All that mattered was the FBI and the trappings of that life. Now its all you have Erin…how does that make you feel?”

Wow, what a hateful thing to say and ask. She took it on the chin as lunch arrived. Erin smiled at Daniel, asking for salt and pepper. She also needed a refill on her iced tea. Eli wanted a glass of water to go with his scotch and vitriol. Erin wanted to throw it in his face but that would be a waste of perfectly good Glenfiddich.

“Eli, I hope that feeling that way hasn’t been driving you all of this time. I have, and always have had, more than the FBI. I have three, beautiful, amazing children. I have a mother who loves and supports me. 

“I even have friends, hell I hardly know how to have friends but someone up there knew I needed a circle and provided it for me. I'm slowly learning to cook, to dance, and to relax again. The FBI is one tiny piece in a really big puzzle. For so many years I didn't know that either…I do now.”

“I need to get back to the office. I'm a very busy man, Erin.”

“I understand.” She managed a smile. This was the way it had gone in their relationship more than once. If Eli couldn’t break her down, he shut down. At least these days she didn’t have to put up with it. 

She said everything she needed to for the moment. Be damned if she would seek his approval or permission to see more of her children. That was for the courts to decide. “I really want to thank you for taking the time to meet me.”

When Daniel returned, Erin told him she needed her lunch to go. It looked delicious but time got away from her and she needed to get back.

“Of course ma'am, I’ll wrap it up.”

“Thank you so much.”

Eli excused himself to the men’s room. Erin wouldn’t have been surprised if he ducked out of a side exit. Had he always been this way or was his cowardice a recent development? In the boardroom he could cut men to shreds. He’d become the youngest Vice President of Holdings in his company’s history. 

But Erin noticed that he stagnated years ago. That was probably around the time cracks in the Strauss marriage really started to show. She could’ve gone beyond Section Chief. She probably should've though it was a worthy accomplishment. 

But that fear, the fear of surpassing her husband and losing his affection, at one point it was palpable. She lost his affection anyway. She’d lost much more than that as she let the alcohol and the escape take over her life. Of course that wasn’t entirely Eli’s fault and Erin wouldn’t blame him. The blame game was over for her.

“Hey baby.” Dave’s voice was cheerful.

Erin was back on the streets of DC heading to her car. She’d paid the bill at The Oval Room, a hefty one, but she wasn’t sure if Eli was coming back. She left a note for him, ‘ _Bill taken care of. Thanks again for talking to me. E_ ’. He might never see it…she couldn’t let that matter.

“I did it.” she said. “It was a struggle, my mouth watered the entire time, but I did it.”

“What did you do?”

“I met with Eli this afternoon.” Erin replied.

“You did what? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I'm telling you now, David.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” he sighed. He didn’t want to fight but this was a big deal. It probably wasn’t something she should've done on her own. Eli had a lot of anger and very sharp claws. Erin was back but wasn’t fooling herself or anyone else; she wasn’t 100%. Even if she was, she wasn’t the old Erin. “I know you're not always going to let me protect you…”

“I don’t need you to protect me. I'm a grown woman and I can handle myself as such. What were you going to do, David, stand out there and look like a Mafia hitman?”

“You'd be surprised how well that works. Are you alright?”

“I'm alright.” She got into her car, putting her lunch in the passenger seat. Maybe it would be good in a place where she felt less vulnerable and nauseous. “There were good points and bad points but I made it through intact. I get to walk into therapy tonight and say I did it.”

“I'm proud of you.” Dave said. “Let’s see each other tonight so I can give you a big hug.”

“I’ll come to you.”

“That’s different.”

“Different is good.” She said.

“Different is great. Wanna have a sleepover?” he asked.

“I'm going to therapy straight from Quantico so I’ll be closer to Fairfax than to home. I won't have time to go into DC for pajamas.”

“I hope that’s not going to stop you from coming. And don’t make me think about things like that, Erin. Do you know how bad I want to see you in my relaxing clothes?”

“I’ll be there. I want to see you too.”

“Of course you do…you're crazy about me.” Dave said. “I heard it through the grapevine.”

“You got the crazy part right, Rossi. I need to go; I’ll see you this evening.”

“OK. I really am proud of you, Erin, and I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Erin ended the phone call and took a deep breath. She pressed three on her cell phone, listened to some entertaining music (Beyonce’s _If I Were a Boy_ ), and then the voicemail picked up. ‘ _Leave a message for Corinne. Thanks_.’ **BEEP!**

“Hey Candy. I made a big leap today and didn’t land on my ass. I'm heading back to Quantico from DC so call me. I'm in therapy from six to seven tonight if you get this later but then I'm at David’s for the evening. I hope you're having a good day; you can call me if you're not. You can call me if you are. See ya.”

Erin managed a smile as she got on the highway. It hadn't been perfect but it went better than she expected. Well, she was better than she expected. It actually went just as she imagined it would. But Erin had done it on her own. That was brave, and a big step in the direction she chose to take her life in post-alcohol. 

She was a survivor and she would thrive. Unfortunately, she couldn’t leave her husband completely in the past. It was time for her to take responsibility, take control, and live her whole life. Erin wasn’t going to let anything grip her anymore. Fear couldn’t have her; neither could guilt, Eli, or alcohol. It was Day 174...it was a brand new day.

***


End file.
